Sometimes I wish I could forget how things used to be. Then it wouldn't be so hard to go on with the way things are now. I guess I just don't like change. But change comes anyway. Whether we want it to or not. It comes. People grow and change.

Sometimes in a lot of ways I feel like I'm the same. And everyone around me is changing while I stay the same and stay behind. I don't like being left out.

I just don't think that I should have to beg people to want to spend time with me. Am I so awful to be around that the only way people want to be with me is if I beg them. Well I'm not going to do it anymore. I'd rather just be alone. If they want to hang out or whatever, then they can do the asking. Then I know it's not just cause I asked or invited myself. Who wants that person around.

She's happy with her new friends. I should just step back anyway. I don't want her feeling bad cause she no longer has time for friendship with me. And since I feel bad about it all the time. I don't want to take it out on her. So I should just get out of the way. She's going to leave soon anyway. It's going to hurt either way so...

Currently Watching Becoming Jane By Anne Hathaway, James McAvoy, Julie Walters, James Cromwell, Maggie Smith see related

I haven't been on in almost a year. It's been a rough and crazy one that has left me sad and lost. I don't know what's going on with me. I hardly know who I am. I just want to run away. Leave the country really. I should have taken a job in Italy. I did look @ a family there. I just want to be far far away. Nothing is as it should be. No one is as they should be. Everything is upside down. And I only want to cry everyday. I'm so glad for the oppurtunity of this new job, but it's been quite an adjustment. It's not like my last one. I wish that things could have been worked out there before they got bad. And now that they are a bit better, it's too late. I miss them so much. The whole family. Oh my sweet girls. And my friend. It all seems like so long ago when really it was only a month ago. Even my birthday was no big deal. I'm glad it's over and no longer want to celebrate any more birthdays. I'm lonely. It's so hard to get online everyday and see more people that you once knew and went to school with now married with kids and another on the way. It's hard when you've always been alone. never dated anyone. It just makes you feel like no one wants you or ever will. You don't want to hear others say things that they think are helpful like, "ohh he's out there somewhere" or my personal favorite "be glad you haven't dated anyone you don't know what your'e missing. You are better off. I wish I'd not dated as much." Well now. You people don't know what it feels like on this end of it do you?

As far as the friend thing goes. I should know by now that frieds never stick around. They always leave. How many times is it now? I'd be stupid to not think it would happen again. It's especially hard when it's someone who once was just like you having had the same things happen to them. But of course then someone better always comes along...for them and they leave you too. It just hurts my heart. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how else to be. I just let people in and then when they leave they take the pieces with them.

Well that's all for now.

OH boy! The Rock Boat was great!

Here is a link to some of the pics.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2006742&l=ff982&id=83200006